Thursday, February 25, 2010

what they dont tell you about motherhood

Breastfeeding ruins your clothes, pulling a boob out and letting your little monster suck on it whenever its peckish will inevitably stretch all your lovely clothes out of shape.

Babies backs are like peaches filled with heroin- sweet, addictive and slightly furry.

No matter what they say, your vagina will never look the same. If your not blessed with a reason the doctors see fit for a Cesarean (I know I was researching all sorts but my doc never fell for any of them, I was even prepared to go out and try and catch herpes as I read that its a sure fire way to get one however finding a wart infested man prepared to share the love with a woman that resembles a whale wasn't as easy as you might think) Yes if you have an episiotomy your Vag will have a nice thick scar going all the way down to near your bum if your as lucky as me. I for one don't care- I was never much of a minge model to begin with but its a personal thing that might really upset some fanny owners.

Babies get thrush in their mouths and transfer it to your nipples. Yep nice isn't it.

Single friends don't babysit. In fact, hardly any friends babysit- everyone coos over the belly begging for first sitting rights and never follow through. While your single friends love you dearly theyr not prepared to spend a Saturday night chained to your couch while you go out and probably don't even notice the 14 potential lovers you come across.

Dad = hilarious and Mum = food

You will never sleep again, Once your baby starts to sleep through the night you will still be up 8-12 times a night just making sure that their still breathing.

God designed babies extra flexible so that while your breast feeding them they can get there foot up to your mouth for a kiss.

Mashed banana stains your clothes.

There is more guilt in motherhood then you'll find in Casurina prison. Whether it be the things you cant help like saying goodbye at daycare and brushing out a deadlock or the more selfish things like hearing your baby cry and finishing your make up before you check or whispering that "its all daddies fault cos he's a selfish bastard" you never feel like you done enough for your little ones.

Through the narrow eyes of your in-laws enjoying yourself or having a rest = bad mum. And sleep deprivation, and getting fat = good mum.

When my little monster was born she came 5 weeks early. When I was waiting in hospital for her to ripen up all ready to be taken home she was lying in her little bed rapt up in vulnerability. I said to the nurse, "I cant hold her yet because of all the cords but Im scared that when I do she wont know who I am" the nurse laughed and replied "But your her mum… Mums are babies secret favourites"

And that's the best secret of all, your not supposed to know this and kids are so diplomatic these days that when there old enough to talk they'll only deny it but the truth is, Your mum.. Your the secret favourite..

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