Sunday, November 22, 2009

Ode to my Ex.

Dear Ex, Thank you. You taught me so much...
You taught me tolerance.. At first I learnt to tolerate your constant jealousy, then listening to you breath in and out required tolerance- eventually I learnt to tolerate you like a bush fella does the fly on his face.
You taught me compassion, after months of paying your rent I learnt to have compassion for everyone you bleed off not to mention an extreme amount of sympathy for myself.
You and your small dick taught me how to enjoy sex, having experienced nothing but your sexual gluttony for so long, when I finally moved on- somebody so much as opening the taxi door for me was enough to make me climax.
You taught me not to sweat the small things, who would worry about the toilet seat being left up when theres also spew down the side of your bed.
Your Rabi approach to dividing a bill at dinner, it has taught me to budget.
You taught me how wonderful my friends are, they love me enough to come over for coffee even though they had to sit on the same couch as you while you sat in nothing but your jocks and pulled a bong they still came.
You taught me Independence, bailing on me for your dead shit mates every time we went out taught me to rely only on myself.
You taught me to take care of my body, coming home to you at 3am David Hassle-Scoffing a pizza would teach anyone to eat well.
You taught me the importance of financial stability, The memory of you knee deep in dust because you could have sworn you vacuumed up 20cents earlier that week is one Ill never forget.
Finally my dear Ex thank you so much for dumping me, I could have never put all these lessons to use had you not have.
In the words of Celine Dion "I'm everything I am because you loved me"xxx

Ode to my Ex.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Lifes little rules

Husky voiced woman are better lovers- Benders are cool as long as your not over 23- Only woman can drive with the roofs off convertibles- Joints are fine/bongs are not- babies should never be named after celebrities, days of the week or fruit- Don't pull out a two for one voucher on a date, also if complaining about the food on a date do it after you've paid- Don't keep friends that repulse you to look at- Never eat a whole chicken- forgive your mother in law, she doesn't mean to be a nosey cow-Men with dead mothers should always be considered for marriage- Don't trust deep or spiritual face book status updates- blowing raspberries on your babies necks is good luck-Get farting over and done with early in a relationship, it only gets harder the longer you wait- never go out with a guy who's tits are bigger then yours- when your kids are sleeping with there mouths open, poke your nose in and have a sniff, this is what true love smells like- when your lover has food in there teeth pick it out and eat it, this is what true love tastes like- Have compassion for people with no chins- Avoid men who put on baby voices, its possible they weren't breastfed for long enough- Avoid woman who refer to themselves in third person, they will prove to be high maintenance- Indians lie-

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I know from experience that if you hardly ever let your boyfriend go out then when he finally does he'll get totally shit faced and stay out all night... They feel the need to 'make it last'. However I also know that men apply the same mentality to receiving blow jobs. There you are sucking your heart out praying to hear those two words "I'm coming" only the feel your fella tensing up, holding on, some times even trembling with might trying to prolong the blow job or to 'make it last'
We women approach receiving head differently. We pull you guys back up when we think you might have had enough. That is of course on the rare occasion that you venture down there....
A recent study conducted in the USA showed that 70% of female high school girls had performed oral sex (I'm home schooling my daughter). Surprising? not really. However the same study revealed that only 12% of high school girls had received oral sex. Surprising? no, however appalling and a statistic that sets the bar for the rest of our sexual life.
So why do men consider there sexual satisfaction up there with world peace and global warming while ours is as urgent as Junk mail?
I know a guy, who's name I wont mention that said to me once "Giving head always seems like a good idea, until you go to do it, its like a fucking alien down there" Nice one JAMIE.
I hope none of you guys out there are pulling the smell card. We have more hygiene in our little toe then you have in your entire bodies. Ever had a whiff of a nob after a night on the razzle dazzle? Another one I like is the "I only do it if shes really special" what? as apposed to the Cain toad you picked up for the evening? Trust me if shes special enough to pull the one eyed stiff one on then shes special enough for a bit of the royal treatment.
Once I heard an American comedian say that if you wanted to get a black guy to go down on you your best best was to hide a chicken wing in there..
Well Aussie guys arnt that keen on chicken wings but I have to tell ya desperate times call for desperate measures and, I know a few guys that could sniff out a bag of weed from a mile away..... xx