Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Ever find yourself asking, where did it go wrong? Was it my bum in those jeans? Did I bore him with the details of my personal grooming? Garlic breath?
Just like spots and stipes don't mix, chocolate and beer don't mix, the French and the English don't mix..... Drinking and Dialing DON'T MIX
We've all been there, let me refresh your memory..
You've been seeing a lovely fella, all going swimmingly, you cool calm and collective. In fact your so charismatic, you've almost convinced yourself. Like any seasoned dater you understand relationship need to Breath. So out you go on a Friday night with the girls for a change, have a laugh and about 8 to many drinks. What comes next? You get the urge, the urge for some lovin... You pick up your phone desperate to indulge in conversations like "do you miss me? How much? do you want to see me?", but your friends get the urge too, the urge to stop you and salvage what could be a potential boyfriend "DON'T DO IT!!!!!, NOOOOOO" but you brush them of with comments like "You don't know him, he'll think this is great" or "He asked me to call" (lies). Then the sneak in you emerges, the sneak is the you that lies to your friends saying you wont ring him and then runs into the bathroom to make your booty call, its also the you that "sex-messages" all night but will delete them from your sent items straight away so that you dont even know about it in the morning. Sometimes your calls don't get through, of course sober you accepts this and moves on, only highly persistent drunk you becomes (for lack of a better word) 'obsessed.' Four missed calls and three text messages later (reading these messages is somewhat like cracking the Davinci Code) Why do we do it? because alcohol alters our perception of ourselves, your thinking "Im so drunk, ha he'll probably think I'm SOO Kate MOss right now" when all you are is SOO trash bag right now. Waking up next to your mobile phone has never hurt so much.
How can we stop such travesties? Unfortunately a breathalyser for our mobiles hasn't been invented yet, so in the mean time here is a little trick I came up with a while ago. Before embarking on your first drink erase your new lovers number form your phone, give it to one of your friends (the strong one) and inform her not to give it back until the next day. Don't be sneaky and leave it in your call register and remember to delete all those messages too. You know that really sweet message that he sent you after your first date and you swore you'd save? Well delete that too. You ll thank me for it in the morning.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


They often say "it takes on to know one" well in this case its true. I'm about to let you in on all the all the wrong reasons men are single. How do I know this? because I was once what I call an 'untouchable' Yep, I stalked, hated men, compared them to my ex boyfriends- so as a converted untouchable I'm shining the light on some tricks of the trade.
'Untouchables' are single for the WRONG reason. These reasons vary from commitment problems to mother attachment issues. If you get inside the mind of an untouchable you ll find they will go to any length to hide the fact that they are just that. And I plan to offer some sort of translation to help you recognise the warning signs because of course "it takes one to know one"
1, Lets say your handsome new lover has already saved your home number and work number but you can only remember giving him your mobile number.. Hang on a minute, you may have called him from your work phone but that's not to say you physically gave him the number. Topped with this guys reason for being single is that he "keeps giving too much in relationships and never gets enough back".. Alarm bells! this man is a stalker. He has saved all your contact details for one reason, he is preparing for the inevitable, your going to stop answering his calls so he will need to bug you everywhere else. And the old "giving too much" line? please give ME a break. No you don't need to find a pair of binoculars in a fella car to know that he is a stalking untouchable.
2, ok now you've met Mr perfect, hes tall, dark, handsome and financially secure. He showers you with compliments and never out stays his welcome. Hang on? he never stays at all! His reason for being single, "I just haven't met the right person" Well Id assume that out of the 26 ladies a month Mr Perfect meets at least one of them had to be the right person. He is a Commitaphobe, you can bark all you want up Mr Perfect but I'm afraid this untouchable is the wrong tree.
The third and finale untouchable I'm warning about today is well discussed as the family man. You know the one recently divorced, couple of very much loved kids. Sounds nice huh? Yeah until asked why he is single he replies "you know how it is, I had a few girlfriends before I got married but they were just nothing special. Then I met the ex-wife and everything would have been fine had she have not been a megga bitch satanic WHORE" Need I explain? You don't need to be a brain surgeon to realise that this untouchable is a woman hater.
One final piece of advise I have on the Untouchable is this. Be careful when tarring too many of our men with the untouchable brush because after a while you may have to admit, It takes one to know one.

Monday, March 8, 2010

THe Fighting sisters

There are two types of woman in this world. Ones that are scared to fight , and ones that are not. Ones that fear if they don't look good enough they will be alone and ones that know that they look just fine lying in there bed minus the hairy chest next to them. Ones that shoosh there kids at a restaurant because the grumpy old fuck at the table next to them is TRYING to bore his wife in peace, and ones that ask there kids to sing that 'Pink' song again, this time taken from the beginning and louder with the dance moves, as nobody deserves to miss out on your little stars song.
Ones that buy sugar..... and ones that do not.. And no, this has nothing to do with any jokes on us already being sweet enough.
Despite menstrual cycles and G-strings, woman have never been killers. The theory is that we were designed to give life and not to take it. Well I suppose the male to female ratio on serial killers supports that.
This is not to say that we don't fight. Everything we have today has been fought for, our freedom to vote (for those who care enough to,) our pelvic floor muscles (after babies) and our right to wear the pants (this wasn't the hardest fight considering all the good men are wearing skirts.)
In the late 1700's when Slavery was on the verge of being abolished there were still some greedy, heartless bastards in positions of power in England that refused to outlaw it. Just as abolitionists were about to give up something amazing happened... Sugar sales dropped dramatically, any sugar produced with the use of slaves was no longer being bought. Why? because woman do all the shopping of course. So back in those days inside those tiny tiny overbearing corsets there was room for the biggest fighting overbearing hearts.

There are two types of men in this world too. Ones that are scared of a fighting women and ones that are proud of one. Ones that will clip there woman's wings and ones that will clear them a place to land. Ones who's idea of romance is a ping pong show in Thailand, and one who's idea of romance is kissing off jam love hearts from the wobbly bits on your tummy. Ones that teach there daughters to follow the rules and not disobey, and ones that tell there daughters stories of there fighting aunties, grandmothers and mums that fiercely change the world with overbearing hearts.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Disneys Deceptions

Prince Charming swept her off her feet and they live happily ever after........
So um Walt or Mr Disney- what ever you prefer, don't know if you noticed but you missed a couple of things mate..
Did Snow white and Prince Charming have to go on a break before marriage so that old Charming knows for sure that he's done shagging other woman? Did Cinderella accidentally pass on a nasty case of thrush to her Prince Charming only to be accused of sleeping around? Did sleeping beauty realise that the snooze was better then the reality and try and top herself with a bottle of sleepers?
One thing that most of us ladies learnt from these fairy tales is the Damsel factor. A man loves a good Damsel, or so we were led to believe. I personally spent the best part of my childhood daydreaming up a rescue job where I was kidnapped and recovered injured, but alive by all the boys in my class. I would cling to the hot one, still in too much shock to talk but grateful that they all love me so much that they couldn't rest until I was back at assembly. Of course in reality boys hate a damsel. All the boys Iv been had the pleasure of going out with have just desired someone they didn't have to look after- Miss 'independent' Miss 'Buy your own drink cos I'm too tight to buy you one" And thanks to my Disney conditioning that isn't me.
The Little Mermaid 'Arial' gave up her entire family, her friends (OK a fish and a crab, even my friends top that) and her fin all for a pair of legs and Prince Eric. And what did Eric teach our male companions about sacrifice? In fact I think Eric's the reason that most of our boyfriends idea of sharing is asking the waitress to put half our dinner on there plate before we've even laid eyes on it. Thanks Eric, or should I say Walt.
So after establishing all the 'problem' areas of my life that your to blame for Walt, the question remains....
What exactly did you mean by happily ever after? Did Prince Charming finally spread his wild seed enough to exhaust himself and educated himself on the nature of thrush, just in time to wake his lady friend out of her coma and make an honest woman out of her. Meanwhile Pocahontas or who ever his latest is realises she has nothing left to give, shes old, fat and financially tangled to him so what the fuck... And they both lived happily ever after... The end

Thursday, February 25, 2010

what they dont tell you about motherhood

Breastfeeding ruins your clothes, pulling a boob out and letting your little monster suck on it whenever its peckish will inevitably stretch all your lovely clothes out of shape.

Babies backs are like peaches filled with heroin- sweet, addictive and slightly furry.

No matter what they say, your vagina will never look the same. If your not blessed with a reason the doctors see fit for a Cesarean (I know I was researching all sorts but my doc never fell for any of them, I was even prepared to go out and try and catch herpes as I read that its a sure fire way to get one however finding a wart infested man prepared to share the love with a woman that resembles a whale wasn't as easy as you might think) Yes if you have an episiotomy your Vag will have a nice thick scar going all the way down to near your bum if your as lucky as me. I for one don't care- I was never much of a minge model to begin with but its a personal thing that might really upset some fanny owners.

Babies get thrush in their mouths and transfer it to your nipples. Yep nice isn't it.

Single friends don't babysit. In fact, hardly any friends babysit- everyone coos over the belly begging for first sitting rights and never follow through. While your single friends love you dearly theyr not prepared to spend a Saturday night chained to your couch while you go out and probably don't even notice the 14 potential lovers you come across.

Dad = hilarious and Mum = food

You will never sleep again, Once your baby starts to sleep through the night you will still be up 8-12 times a night just making sure that their still breathing.

God designed babies extra flexible so that while your breast feeding them they can get there foot up to your mouth for a kiss.

Mashed banana stains your clothes.

There is more guilt in motherhood then you'll find in Casurina prison. Whether it be the things you cant help like saying goodbye at daycare and brushing out a deadlock or the more selfish things like hearing your baby cry and finishing your make up before you check or whispering that "its all daddies fault cos he's a selfish bastard" you never feel like you done enough for your little ones.

Through the narrow eyes of your in-laws enjoying yourself or having a rest = bad mum. And sleep deprivation, and getting fat = good mum.

When my little monster was born she came 5 weeks early. When I was waiting in hospital for her to ripen up all ready to be taken home she was lying in her little bed rapt up in vulnerability. I said to the nurse, "I cant hold her yet because of all the cords but Im scared that when I do she wont know who I am" the nurse laughed and replied "But your her mum… Mums are babies secret favourites"

And that's the best secret of all, your not supposed to know this and kids are so diplomatic these days that when there old enough to talk they'll only deny it but the truth is, Your mum.. Your the secret favourite..

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I once watched a documentary (ok, it was oprah) on the laws of attraction. They claimed that our siblings let off a certain odour or pheromone to us that was designed to repel us and thus turn us away from breeding with them. This is responsible for the reason that something as simple as reading the previous sentence is enough to make us all cringe and possibly vomit. I found this entire episode interesting and started to think… I wonder if this same odour is let off between women and there boyfriends friends? Why is it that when a single girl asks her taken friends if there boyfriend knows anyone to set them up with we all laugh with discust? Is it pheromones, designed to stop us being lead astray? Or are they really as repulsive as they come across? One theory is that men travel in packs and every pack only has enough room for one prize and the rest have sacrificed all good looks, charisma and self respect for the greater good of the prize.

This doco went on to explain that everything we once thought was our own personal taste in regards to what we are attracted too was not our choice at all and simply our hormones guiding us to the most appropriate breeding tool. Men preferred the scent of an ovulating woman and women preferred the strong virile man to the red head with glasses. This also supports my theory as is it just me or does everyones boyfriends friends smoke so many bongs that theres probably only three mutated sperm in there sack, sitting on there own little sperm couch trying to order a little sperm pizza.

On the other hand I have always felt a similar repell to friends boyfriends. The difference being that rather then being unattracted to them because there unattractive, I can appreciate the appeal however an automatic barrier goes up. As if its natures way of conserving the friendship and you find yourself thinking of your handsome, successful and funny friends boyfriend as A-sexual. Like a cousin or dog.

However while your cooing over the man your friends now see as a non-sexual drinking buddy, he no doubt has friends of his own and while you might view them as mortien for woman your friends might not be so repelled..

Ahh yes the laws of attraction wont fail to mystify, what is it about Sean Penn that makes me weak at the knees And Peter Andre that gets him egged overtime he leaves the house? What is it about your boyfriends sweat that makes you want to ride his disco stick and the cab drivers that makes you puke?

We may never uncover all the secrets the laws of attraction have to offer but we can stick to some of the guidelines… Never shag the untouchables (or unwantables), your friends boyfriends or your boyfriends friends. However if you were stranded on an island with one of both and the future of mankind depended on you shagging one of them, take a deep breath and go with the mortien. As the mere act of doing so will be punishment enough for the bad deed. Now lets just hope that his little sperm gets out of its sperm coma and swims for mankind.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Conversations with God (mum)

When your little your always mad at your mum. I considered my mum to be a 'no' mum. "No you cant go to the Big Day Out with your uncle, No you cant get another dog to keep Mortisha company, (I don't actually believe any child on earth thinks there mums have bought them enough pets) She made me take my guini pig back to the pet shop because there was maggots in the hutch that I never cleaned out. And even after all this betrayal she was still the one I cried to when a budgie died or a dog ran away. She wouldn't let me stay up as late as she let my sister, she made me have a bath even when I was hardly dirty. But that was just my mum, if you were one of hers you were bathed, fed and ready for bed by 5. She insisted on pulling my hair back in a a plat so tight that even head lice would have jump ship. However no matter how many times she stabbed my head with bobby pins Id still always rest it on her lap while we watched neighbours.
Mums can act like complete bitch's, they lie, fight and back stab but always for the same reason... There defending one of there own.
One thing that most mums around the world have in common even if there complete enemies is fact that theyd do anything for there ungrateful children. I was totally pissed off at mine because she wouldn't buy me a new Sega Master System game, never mind the that she had spent half her weeks wage on it in the first place.
And we were broke.
Not starving broke, just broke enough to wear a Mambo jumper in a men's size XXXL because it was on sale for 15 bucks when I was 8. Broke enough to catch busses, even when it was raining, late, or I was faking an asthma attack. And of course it was all mums fault. It never occurs to kids that this is not the way there mum imagined there Saturday night either.
When your a teenager your mum tends to remind you of Benjamin Button, while the rest of the worlds growing up and maturing your mum seems to be doing the opposite by gradually immaturing every year and embarrassing you at every opportunity. While my mums at home shes allergic to bras and pants which makes for interesting chats when being picked up for a date. And yet when countless boys dumped me after that first date, mum was always the one Id run too.
When you have a baby its time for your mum to step back in. When I was in labor no one else would help me, only my mum. Doctors told me to try harder because they've obviously had lots of babies and know how if feels, nurses tried to rob me of my rights to drugs, but mum was there in my corner fighting for my drugs and convincing me that Id done a good job. When the baby finally came I knew Id had just given birth to someone mum considered one of hers. She didn't say "Congratulations, good job" or "Well done" She looked at her little blue squished up grand daughter and blurted "my god your so lucky"
And thus begins a new relationship. While I'm busy being a "no" mum, making my daughter mad by not buying her enough or not letting her stay up late enough, shes completely mesmerised by her granny, who's embarrassing quirks don't embarrass her at all.

When I was a teenager I new a beautiful boy with the longest eye lashes from high school who unfortunately died, leaving behind devastated parents and a pregnant sister. He was the first person Id known that died and I'll never forget the funeral. His mum couldn't stand up, she was carried by her husband to the coffin to say goodbye and was obviously so heavily sedated that while her blank eyes looked through the coffin there was confusion as to how many people were last that day. 10 Years past and people moved on, only two weeks ago I was at local restaurant when I heard a giggling, screaming, naughty little munchkin running a muck. I turned to see a familiar looking beautiful little girl with the longest lashes playing with her grandma. My old high school friend had a niece that looked just like him. He may have never had the chance to meet her but I was sure that his mum had given life to her daughter and her gran daughter had brought her back to life.

I still get mad at my mum, she cant keeps her opinions on my mothering skills to herself nor can she stop herself from fighting with pretty much everyone we meet. My boyfriend told me that he thinks my mum would pick an argument with her own shadow.
But I replied to him.. "I'm sure she would, if her shadow was hurting one of hers"