Tuesday, March 30, 2010


They often say "it takes on to know one" well in this case its true. I'm about to let you in on all the all the wrong reasons men are single. How do I know this? because I was once what I call an 'untouchable' Yep, I stalked, hated men, compared them to my ex boyfriends- so as a converted untouchable I'm shining the light on some tricks of the trade.
'Untouchables' are single for the WRONG reason. These reasons vary from commitment problems to mother attachment issues. If you get inside the mind of an untouchable you ll find they will go to any length to hide the fact that they are just that. And I plan to offer some sort of translation to help you recognise the warning signs because of course "it takes one to know one"
1, Lets say your handsome new lover has already saved your home number and work number but you can only remember giving him your mobile number.. Hang on a minute, you may have called him from your work phone but that's not to say you physically gave him the number. Topped with this guys reason for being single is that he "keeps giving too much in relationships and never gets enough back".. Alarm bells! this man is a stalker. He has saved all your contact details for one reason, he is preparing for the inevitable, your going to stop answering his calls so he will need to bug you everywhere else. And the old "giving too much" line? please give ME a break. No you don't need to find a pair of binoculars in a fella car to know that he is a stalking untouchable.
2, ok now you've met Mr perfect, hes tall, dark, handsome and financially secure. He showers you with compliments and never out stays his welcome. Hang on? he never stays at all! His reason for being single, "I just haven't met the right person" Well Id assume that out of the 26 ladies a month Mr Perfect meets at least one of them had to be the right person. He is a Commitaphobe, you can bark all you want up Mr Perfect but I'm afraid this untouchable is the wrong tree.
The third and finale untouchable I'm warning about today is well discussed as the family man. You know the one recently divorced, couple of very much loved kids. Sounds nice huh? Yeah until asked why he is single he replies "you know how it is, I had a few girlfriends before I got married but they were just nothing special. Then I met the ex-wife and everything would have been fine had she have not been a megga bitch satanic WHORE" Need I explain? You don't need to be a brain surgeon to realise that this untouchable is a woman hater.
One final piece of advise I have on the Untouchable is this. Be careful when tarring too many of our men with the untouchable brush because after a while you may have to admit, It takes one to know one.

Monday, March 8, 2010

THe Fighting sisters

There are two types of woman in this world. Ones that are scared to fight , and ones that are not. Ones that fear if they don't look good enough they will be alone and ones that know that they look just fine lying in there bed minus the hairy chest next to them. Ones that shoosh there kids at a restaurant because the grumpy old fuck at the table next to them is TRYING to bore his wife in peace, and ones that ask there kids to sing that 'Pink' song again, this time taken from the beginning and louder with the dance moves, as nobody deserves to miss out on your little stars song.
Ones that buy sugar..... and ones that do not.. And no, this has nothing to do with any jokes on us already being sweet enough.
Despite menstrual cycles and G-strings, woman have never been killers. The theory is that we were designed to give life and not to take it. Well I suppose the male to female ratio on serial killers supports that.
This is not to say that we don't fight. Everything we have today has been fought for, our freedom to vote (for those who care enough to,) our pelvic floor muscles (after babies) and our right to wear the pants (this wasn't the hardest fight considering all the good men are wearing skirts.)
In the late 1700's when Slavery was on the verge of being abolished there were still some greedy, heartless bastards in positions of power in England that refused to outlaw it. Just as abolitionists were about to give up something amazing happened... Sugar sales dropped dramatically, any sugar produced with the use of slaves was no longer being bought. Why? because woman do all the shopping of course. So back in those days inside those tiny tiny overbearing corsets there was room for the biggest fighting overbearing hearts.

There are two types of men in this world too. Ones that are scared of a fighting women and ones that are proud of one. Ones that will clip there woman's wings and ones that will clear them a place to land. Ones who's idea of romance is a ping pong show in Thailand, and one who's idea of romance is kissing off jam love hearts from the wobbly bits on your tummy. Ones that teach there daughters to follow the rules and not disobey, and ones that tell there daughters stories of there fighting aunties, grandmothers and mums that fiercely change the world with overbearing hearts.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Disneys Deceptions

Prince Charming swept her off her feet and they live happily ever after........
So um Walt or Mr Disney- what ever you prefer, don't know if you noticed but you missed a couple of things mate..
Did Snow white and Prince Charming have to go on a break before marriage so that old Charming knows for sure that he's done shagging other woman? Did Cinderella accidentally pass on a nasty case of thrush to her Prince Charming only to be accused of sleeping around? Did sleeping beauty realise that the snooze was better then the reality and try and top herself with a bottle of sleepers?
One thing that most of us ladies learnt from these fairy tales is the Damsel factor. A man loves a good Damsel, or so we were led to believe. I personally spent the best part of my childhood daydreaming up a rescue job where I was kidnapped and recovered injured, but alive by all the boys in my class. I would cling to the hot one, still in too much shock to talk but grateful that they all love me so much that they couldn't rest until I was back at assembly. Of course in reality boys hate a damsel. All the boys Iv been had the pleasure of going out with have just desired someone they didn't have to look after- Miss 'independent' Miss 'Buy your own drink cos I'm too tight to buy you one" And thanks to my Disney conditioning that isn't me.
The Little Mermaid 'Arial' gave up her entire family, her friends (OK a fish and a crab, even my friends top that) and her fin all for a pair of legs and Prince Eric. And what did Eric teach our male companions about sacrifice? In fact I think Eric's the reason that most of our boyfriends idea of sharing is asking the waitress to put half our dinner on there plate before we've even laid eyes on it. Thanks Eric, or should I say Walt.
So after establishing all the 'problem' areas of my life that your to blame for Walt, the question remains....
What exactly did you mean by happily ever after? Did Prince Charming finally spread his wild seed enough to exhaust himself and educated himself on the nature of thrush, just in time to wake his lady friend out of her coma and make an honest woman out of her. Meanwhile Pocahontas or who ever his latest is realises she has nothing left to give, shes old, fat and financially tangled to him so what the fuck... And they both lived happily ever after... The end