Monday, January 25, 2010

Big Brother,

I'm going to begin by telling you that I'm actually quite ambitious. When I was 5 I was going to be a princess, 8 I was going to marry the skinnyer guy from Milly Vanilly, 13 I was planning to take on the music industry myself and so on.
Becoming the first Big brother housemate in the history of the world to A) be evicted not only first but before the first two week eviction show, B) Be evicted for Lying and C) to be given the boot without any of the prizes that I so desperately needed, was never the plan.
It just sort of happened that way. Speaking of the plan, getting too drunk on the first night, sitting in a position not intented for skirts and showing Australia my nickers (and bikini line with its gravitational pull down my legs) wasn't on there either.
Oh yes that was the night my adorable new house mates all voted that I be the one to loose my luggage for my entire stay. I cant remember who I voted for though.. I was too drunk.
On the second day my hangover and I marched ourselves (wearing a sheet as I had no clothes) into the diary room to give Big Bastard a piece of our mind. His reply was, "Well Constance what did you expect you Big Brother experience to be like?" (generic answer, was probably on a palm card)
"Well Big Brother, I was expecting a little more then a house full of- 8 individual silicone breasts belonging to ever ambitious promo models, 1 intellect who was so far above everyone that I swear he was starting to hover, The red headed lazy eyed auzzie sheep shearer that the promo models attached themselves too as they believed he was so stupid that the Australian public would feel sorry for him and see him through to the final two, (unfortunately this was the first bit of human female attention the shearer had ever been exposed to and he pretty much exploded by about the ninth week) Then there was the girl with an IQ lower the one of a Tequila worm who describes herself as the "complete package" this would be more true if you cut off her head and replaced it with my Jack Russels Arse.
And so the list went on. Big Brother, less then thrilled gave me another creative reply, "that is all Constance"
Oh yes, it was me against everyone in that house and the Big man was my number one Nemesis. My strategy was that surely the outside world hates these promo bogans as much as I do? So Ill be as rude as humanly possible to each of them and the public will love me for it. It was my strategy to stop Hotdogs from sharing his sexual escapades with Australia. And was my strategy to let the "complete package" know that even after 45 minutes of applying her makeup she still looked slightly inbred. But sadly on May the 18th 2005 exactly ten days after my quest for fame began my strategy failed and I was kicked out.
Now lets go straight to public perception... After all my hard work- fighting for Australian rights not to have to listen to promo models working on solving the worlds problems (like hair extensions or highlights and shaved or racing strip?) while sun baking, where was my reward? Was I about to be crowned Public servant 2005? where was there a studio full of my grateful followers?
Nowhere- I was robbed of my prizes and my people had turned on me.
Speaking of regrets.... When Gretal asked that famous question asking if we had any regrets from our time in the house (the question everyone responds to with a lie?) Well I do regret something. I regret not being honest about my regrets. Because in truth I regret my entire Big Brother experience almost as much as Gretal should regret her entire outfit choice.
As for you Big Brother. That is all.

No comments:

Post a Comment