I was just writing a blog, it wasn't going anywhere so I was getting slightly agitated. When my charming boyfriend slumped on the couch, picked up the remote and told me I had bloggers block. Naturally I told him to get fucked. Then with a smugness that only he can project he warned me against biting the hand that feeds me.
Stubbing my toe doesn't piss me off as much as my boyfriend does. Once when I was little I cut up a piece of Vegemite toast into tiny little square pieces, so exited to eat them I ran to the lounge room- tripped- and every single square landed Vegemite down. That didn't piss me off as much as my boyfriend does.
Here is an example of a Friday night in our house. Billy finishes work, tells me his going out. I ask if I can come, he says "sure" but when I actually look like I might do it he starts getting annoyed. So I tell him its fine Ill just drop him off. I ask him to empty the babies bath water while I put her in the car. I ask him, "What time will you be home? doesn't bother me I just want to know if I should cook dinner" he replies "7 at the latest babe, I'm exhausted from work. Love you"
"Love you too"
OK that's all well and good so I cook dinner. 10pm comes and my sweetheart stumbles through the door with his friend Clive. He declares to me "Clive's dumping his girlfriend, selling his house and moving back to England and Iv decided to do the same"
"OK Billy" (you can tell I'm used to this) So I leave them to it and go to bed, I sleep in the spare bed to avoid being woken up. Of course I cant sleep with the music and football and TV- finally he goes to bed after 12. I'm now starting to worry as I know the baby will wake me up at 5am and I wont get enough sleep. Then just as I manage to drift off I hear my dog Elvis barking and the neighbours telling him to shut the fuck up. So furious I drag myself out of bed, between Elvis barking and Billy's snoring I'm ready to throw a punch. I call Elvy and let him in. He does what he always does and runs straight to the bathroom for a sniff, its dark in there, he jumps into the bath and then realises its full. Poor little dog stands there shaking and in shock. The smell is putrid as I haven't bathed him in ages. I was ropable. Billy had forgotten to empty the bath.
Now If theres one thing my obsessive compulsive boyfriend hates is dirt and mess. So the only thing that I could think of to do was open our bedroom door where Bill was sleeping and let my saturated stink bomb curl up in between snoring Bill and his cotton sheets.
In the morning its- "Morning babe, Elvy slept with me"
"morning babe, that's nice dear"
I have to get off the computer so his Holiness can play medieval war games. xxx

Ode to my Ex.

Dear Ex, Thank you. You taught me so much...
You taught me tolerance.. At first I learnt to tolerate your constant jealousy, then listening to you breath in and out required tolerance- eventually I learnt to tolerate you like a bush fella does the fly on his face.
You taught me compassion, after months of paying your rent I learnt to have compassion for everyone you bleed off not to mention an extreme amount of sympathy for myself.
You and your small dick taught me how to enjoy sex, having experienced nothing but your sexual gluttony for so long, when I finally moved on- somebody so much as opening the taxi door for me was enough to make me climax.
You taught me not to sweat the small things, who would worry about the toilet seat being left up when theres also spew down the side of your bed.
Your Rabi approach to dividing a bill at dinner, it has taught me to budget.
You taught me how wonderful my friends are, they love me enough to come over for coffee even though they had to sit on the same couch as you while you sat in nothing but your jocks and pulled a bong they still came.
You taught me Independence, bailing on me for your dead shit mates every time we went out taught me to rely only on myself.
You taught me to take care of my body, coming home to you at 3am David Hassle-Scoffing a pizza would teach anyone to eat well.
You taught me the importance of financial stability, The memory of you knee deep in dust because you could have sworn you vacuumed up 20cents earlier that week is one Ill never forget.
Finally my dear Ex thank you so much for dumping me, I could have never put all these lessons to use had you not have.
In the words of Celine Dion "I'm everything I am because you loved me"xxx

Ode to my Ex.

Lifes little rules

Husky voiced woman are better lovers- Benders are cool as long as your not over 23- Only woman can drive with the roofs off convertibles- Joints are fine/bongs are not- babies should never be named after celebrities, days of the week or fruit- Don't pull out a two for one voucher on a date, also if complaining about the food on a date do it after you've paid- Don't keep friends that repulse you to look at- Never eat a whole chicken- forgive your mother in law, she doesn't mean to be a nosey cow-Men with dead mothers should always be considered for marriage- Don't trust deep or spiritual face book status updates- blowing raspberries on your babies necks is good luck-Get farting over and done with early in a relationship, it only gets harder the longer you wait- never go out with a guy who's tits are bigger then yours- when your kids are sleeping with there mouths open, poke your nose in and have a sniff, this is what true love smells like- when your lover has food in there teeth pick it out and eat it, this is what true love tastes like- Have compassion for people with no chins- Avoid men who put on baby voices, its possible they weren't breastfed for long enough- Avoid woman who refer to themselves in third person, they will prove to be high maintenance- Indians lie-

I know from experience that if you hardly ever let your boyfriend go out then when he finally does he'll get totally shit faced and stay out all night... They feel the need to 'make it last'. However I also know that men apply the same mentality to receiving blow jobs. There you are sucking your heart out praying to hear those two words "I'm coming" only the feel your fella tensing up, holding on, some times even trembling with might trying to prolong the blow job or to 'make it last'
We women approach receiving head differently. We pull you guys back up when we think you might have had enough. That is of course on the rare occasion that you venture down there....
A recent study conducted in the USA showed that 70% of female high school girls had performed oral sex (I'm home schooling my daughter). Surprising? not really. However the same study revealed that only 12% of high school girls had received oral sex. Surprising? no, however appalling and a statistic that sets the bar for the rest of our sexual life.
So why do men consider there sexual satisfaction up there with world peace and global warming while ours is as urgent as Junk mail?
I know a guy, who's name I wont mention that said to me once "Giving head always seems like a good idea, until you go to do it, its like a fucking alien down there" Nice one JAMIE.
I hope none of you guys out there are pulling the smell card. We have more hygiene in our little toe then you have in your entire bodies. Ever had a whiff of a nob after a night on the razzle dazzle? Another one I like is the "I only do it if shes really special" what? as apposed to the Cain toad you picked up for the evening? Trust me if shes special enough to pull the one eyed stiff one on then shes special enough for a bit of the royal treatment.
Once I heard an American comedian say that if you wanted to get a black guy to go down on you your best best was to hide a chicken wing in there..
Well Aussie guys arnt that keen on chicken wings but I have to tell ya desperate times call for desperate measures and, I know a few guys that could sniff out a bag of weed from a mile away..... xx

Caution may contain graffic infomation

Women Poo.
Well obviously, but women poo while giving birth. When everyones looking- with there faces right there trying to get the best view, that's when allot of women poo. We spend our whole lives trying to cover the smell of our poo and even the sound only to be confronted by this fact by our midwives. When I was pregnant I spent nine months preparing my boyfriend for the dreaded poo. It wasn't even him I was worried about, it was the nurses, doctors and midwives seeing it at the same time as him. In the end I didn't poo. I was, ironically constipated.
Part of me on the other hand- wishes I did poo. At least then I could file birth poos in the completed fears cabinet in my brain along with public speaking and bush poos. Instead it lingers in the pending fears cabinet with bungey jumping and under water poos.
Now as I understand men claim to be just as scared of there girlfriends poo as we are. In fact I'm positive that any men reading this are cringing right now wondering "why must you share everything Constance?" Well Ill tell you why, despite all the Diarrhea, farts, constipation and occasional Haemorrhoid, men are still obsessed with our bums. And not just the way they look in jeans. If men put as much energy into there work as they do trying to get there girlfriends to have anal sex with them they could afford to buy us a new asshole after woods. And to be honest I think its kind of strange.... Exactly who's supposed to benefit from a finger in a bum hole? How come you cant get over a bit of menstrual blood on your sheets however you can see past all the fowl jobs our bums were designed to do if it means you get to poke your nob in one for a minute or two?
I have a darling friend who's pregnant now with her second baby. Like any strong and amazing woman spent many painful hours in her first labour giving birth to a sweet sweet girl on an obviously life changing day. Only to be faced with a charming suggestion from her husband to start having anal sex instead now as it is to be 'tighter.'
When she told me this I was disgusted and racking my brain for advice all I could come up with was, "thank god your about to give birth again, this time rather then being shy or nervous about your birth poo, be grateful cos now you have something to aim for"

Once I collapsed at a train station in tears, once my friend lied and said she was about to kill herself, another friend I know purposely drove her car into someone Else's. Punches have been thrown, endless bottles of spirits have been consumed, friends have been slept with, windows smashed, jobs quit and above all there has been begging. Why so dramatic? Cos someones been dumped.
Being dumped can be so utterly devastating that the world around you stops. You cant talk about anything but your ex, you cant eat (which works, as the weight loss comes in handy) You feel like you cant breath. You feel like theres been a bulls eye on your heart and you didn't even know it. Someones come along and put out the light on your little corner of the world. You become selfish, even if the reason you were dumped was that you were already selfish, you become really selfish. Your hurting and everyone should feel it.
What can you do about being dumped? They say theres nothing you can do, hold your head up, walk away with what dignity you can find.
I on the other hand say bullshit. There is loads you can do.... Another thing 'they' say revenge is a dish best served cold but in this case I firmly believe its a look that should be served Hot.
We all know begging doesn't work, but never underestimate the power of looking shit hot, rocking up to a bar you know they'll be at and ignoring them. Or if that doesn't work keep drinking, sooner or later your ex will see how smashed you've gotten and do the righty by taking you home. That might not be the best look but your pretty much guaranteed morning sex which could lead anywhere. Another 'take me back trick' is the old "I think I'm pregnant" But this ones for ameteurs and has more floors then I can be bothered writing.
Revenge is for the broken hearted who hasn't reached the stage of admitting there lost without there lover, its for when your ego is so completely bruised that you need pay back. Yes revenge is fun, rumors of small dicks and herpes are fun, hacking into face book accounts to make status updates say "Joe Blogs has just popped home for his midday wank" Is fun however it very rarely gets you what you want which is usually your lover back. I recently read a Chinese proverb that went "when planning your revenge, start by digging two graves, one for your enemy and one for yourself"... We don't want that.
So if all else fails, you've tried the stalking, the threats, the guilt's and given the begging one last try its probably time to do the mature thing...
And that's not, hang out with friends, get a new haircut, listen to music, Duffy or Damien Rice or Dido (why does all the draining music start with D) The answers simple, The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. xxxxxxxxxx